Depth through thought

Editorial

Sorry we have nothing on the Yorkshire trip this weekend, but I didn't go, and no-one has yet submitted anything on it. Would someone like to write something for next week's DTT? Yes, even if you've only just joined the club. This week I've started numbering the issues of DTT, in response to several people's suggestions that it was proving difficult to work out whether or not they had missed an issue because it does not always appear each week. So, Volume 2 starts today (though God knows how many issues there are in Volume 1), and, lets face it, it's a pretty frivolous start..

I can confirm that SWCC seem to have toughened their stance on OFD Permits (even if not their policy), being told only this morning that University Clubs are not allowed down at this time of year. However, Elsie Little does listen, and you can get a permit even at very short notice as long as there are no novices on the trip. Fine, unless you are a novice, or someone who likes to show novices something of the great caves in Britain.

But hugging is the big thing this week: it certainly seems to have made some people stir inside.

OFD Permits

The Larger than Life Permit Secretary Ogof Ffynnon Ddu in South Wales has access controlled by the South Wales Caving Club on behalf of the Countryside Con Council for Wales. Legitimate Clubs apply to the Permit Secretary, currently Mrs Elsie Little for a permit to enter the cave. I have been approached recently by a number of people of are unhappy in that they have been refused a permit. These have been University ! College Clubs who have been told that no Novice Cavers are allowed into they cave. Whilst parts of OFD are quite suitable to novice cavers, and provides an excellent introduction to the sport, there are also highly unsuitable parts which have meant this restriction being levelled.

But alas some University / Novice groups get round this with the leaders of the trips being members of Annual permit holder clubs. They are not usually approached whilst at Penwyllt as the Permits are only inspected by the SWCC member there, and he does (not? - ed.)question every caver as to their experience.

Basically, I am asking for anyone who has any comments / criticism about the OFD access / permit system to let me know, as I feel that there is genuine reason for some clubs to be unhappy with the situation. I feel that there should be no novice restriction as OFD provides the incentive every new caver needs to carry on caving.

yours with the wooden spoon, Malcolm Herbert

Comments will be relayed to Malcolm through Steve Roberts.

For Sale

Reports and surveys

1992 Expedition Reports, with full descriptions and surveys of the new discoveries in 217 and 8/11, as well as a detailed set of accounts (Hurray!). Price £2.50. Available now.

Special Offer: If you buy a 1991 report for £4, we will throw in a 1992 one free!!

Also available: surveys of 2/7 (AO) @£4.00 each, and of 8/11 (All at a bit less).

Please see Sean if you want any of these.

Cabbages

Hugging: Readers' views

Dear Editor

Further studies of hugging has yet to provide ANY adverse effects. In fact all side effects have so far proved to be entirely beneficial. Whoopee!
Jim

Dear Jenny,

I refer to your article in last week's "cabbages". My interest was captured by your letter on hugging. Speaking as an expert I should like to acquaint readers of OUCC's organ with a few interesting facts and thoughts on the subject.

Firstly, there are 3 letters in the word "hug". 3 is a lucky number, and the 2nd prime number. If you add 4 (the square of the first non-prime number) then you get seven, also a lucky number and, coincidentally, the fourth prime number.

Secondly, one may calculate the size of a hug. Size is measured in diameters based on 2 people hugging. The diameters of huggers eating 2 pies are greater than ordinary huggers. The area is also related to the huggers and pie. Are "squares" (nonhuggers) equal to the area of huggers? Usually they are not. This is because huggers also take up an extra area with a phenomenon known as "the hug zone layer". This is formed by the funnel of heat caused to rise between two, hot, hugging bodies which also causes a general area of suction as the colder, heavier air lags behind the hot. This, of course (yes, of course..Ed) causes tighter cuddling. The hug-zone layer is important as it prevents the ill effects of UV (ugly vices). There is currently an increasing hole in the hug-zone layer around people who find themselves at opposite poles, and efforts should be made to cut down on the production of CFC's (Cold Faceless Cursing).

With reference to parts ii and iii of your article, it is obvious that Princess Diana should read, or has read, Cosmopolitan but should now hand it on to her husband. Some hugs will naturally be safe with relation to sex, such as:

1. the "rascally con-hug", often used to elicit the purchase of beer at the bar.
2. the "femi-hug"; a brief clenching of a friend's shoulders by someone with a speech deficit, correctly known as the "semi-hug":

Those of you worried about VD (vigorous Damage or over hugging) should wear a "hug-dom" which looks remarkably like a yellow souwester, bike cape, baggy green waders, and strong wellies, which should prevent any unwanted sexual feelings at first glance, and indeed, forever after. General advice is to hug the populace as often as you like, but hug in your boudoir at your peril. Yours,
Weakly Nutter

Dear Cabbages,

I have taken to hugging hamsters. I also seem to be buying large amounts of sellotape. Am I normal? I do not want to have sex with my hamster. Please help. Yours,
Fretful of South Oxford.

Dear Brassica,

Well I started with shaking hands when I was about twelve. You know, just a quick shake with a friend. Then my friends introduced me to huggers, and it started to get serious. I mean, you know, I knew I could handle it, like it wasn't heavy at first. Then I started coming home late, and I had rumpled clothes, all sort of squashed up the front, and I think my dad worked it out 'cos of the funny marks on my arms where I'd been squeezing people (eh?). The worst time was on a school trip to Russia, where they do giant bear hugs all the time, and I knew then that I was lost. When I got home me mum and dad sent me for remedial training to St. Tiggywinkles' hospital for damaged hedgehogs where the sight of all them needles and spines put me right off. Please tell your readers that no fashion bloke or chick should go in for hugging, it wrecks your street cred.
Disguised of Tunbridge Wells.

You might be a real caver if...

• You aren't afraid of the dark.
• You have ever been kicked out of a laundromat.
• Your Christmas ornaments are bats.
• Your cave gear is worth more than your car.
• You have stayed more than six hours in an all-you-can-eat restaurant.
• You have ever worn cave boots at a wedding.
• You had to use rope to get to a wedding.
• You gave your fiancée a valuable brass carbide lamp.
• Your refrigerator contains more explosives than food.
• Your clothes have frozen between cave and car or camp.
• Your dog has an NSS number.
• You took your kid caving before birth.
• Your kid's elementary-school teachers thought he was emotionally disturbed because of his stories about pits and bats.
• You consider caving a proper observance of Easter.
• You drive 1000+ miles to camp in mud and watch dogfights.
• Your compass cost more than your wedding.
• Your coffee table is a telephone-cable reel.
• Your living room is decorated with stolen orange road-cone speleothems.
• You have rescued a professional rescue-squad from a cave.
• The cops thought your spent carbide was an illegal substance.
• You didn't tell them otherwise.
• KOA gives you the campsite next to the sewage treatment plant, and you don't mind.
• You can't get the fluorescein out of your car's upholstery.
• You had to rip out your car's upholstery because you left your muddy coveralls inside for a week and they mildewed.
• Kudzu engulfed your car while you were in a cave. (kudzo = japanese ivy jr)
• You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
• Your autodialer contains the phone number of PMI.
• Any of your children were conceived underground or at an NSS social event.
• You were caving when any of your children were born.
• You have ever caught a disease in a hot tub.
• Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

Thanks, Jim, for this lot.